I can't believe I am 6 weeks pregnant. On my first pregnancy, we didn't actually know until I was 7 and a half weeks pregnant so that extra few weeks is feeling very different. I'm in that weird phase where I think I'm starting to feel pregnancy nausea but it's actually really hard to tell the difference between that and the sick feeling that comes with feeling anxious and worried about something.
It's nice to be sharing this journey with other people now, though. I've told a handful of important people in my life such as my husband (of course), my mam, my sister and a close friend. It feels so much better to be able to talk openly about it with these safe people. I am very prone to anxiety and change tends to be a massive trigger for me. Being able to talk about how I feel is really making a difference.
It's been about two weeks since we found out the news and I can't figure out whether it's gone fast or slow. I've definitely been laying low in many ways. I've been less likely to meet up with friends or head out and about because I just feel like I'm being dishonest.
It's a total minefield of emotions and a roller coaster, to say the least.
Catching up with people and failing to mention something so huge feels really deceitful. I haven't even told my brothers or Dad because I suppose, deep down, I'm worried something will go wrong and I don't want people to feel upset or disappointed if it does. On the other hand, I find myself thinking that if something did go wrong, I'd need all of their support. It's overwhelming even deciding who to tell for this reason - finding that balance between protecting yourself and other people.
I think the thing I'm struggling with the most this week is feeling guilty towards my son. One moment I feel like we are giving him the best gift imaginable and then the next I feel so guilty that he'll now have to share us. He's going about his life as normal and I want to scream from the rooftops that something huge will be happening in about eight months. We've decided not to tell him until after the twelve-week scan though so I'll have to hold it in for another six weeks whether I like it or not.
If ANYONE saw my google history right now I'd be completely mortified. I've downloaded all the apps that break down the pregnancy into week by week sections and I'm googling every pregnancy symptom and blog I can find.
I've actually found this really reassuring because these first few weeks of pregnancy can feel quite lonely. Knowing that so many other people are in my exact position makes me feel part of the gang. It's like a special club or something.
One thing I've found massively comforting is hearing about how the other ladies feel. Those who have children already can relate to how I feel with the guilt. Many have told me to expect that to continue throughout the pregnancy as it's just one of those things. Some of them are feeling full-on pregnancy nausea and even vomiting already which makes me worry about my own pregnancy.
Should I be feeling really nauseous by now? Is it a sign that things are not progressing? Every niggle makes my mind run a mile and I jump to all kinds of conclusions. I also find myself constantly expecting to see something when I go to the toilet - which again I am reassured is normal.
It's a total minefield of emotions and a roller coaster, to say the least. One minute I'm looking at baby name inspirations online and the next I'm freaking out about maternity leave dates and writing lists of everything we need to buy. I just can't switch off.
We need to start thinking about having an early scan. We had one on my last pregnancy because my menstrual dates just didn't add up. The GP told me the only way to know a definitive date (before the 12-week hospital scan) was to pay privately for an early pregnancy scan. We're going to do the same this time around because it means that from about seven weeks you can possibly see a heartbeat and the chance of miscarriage reduces after this.
I just know my personality and I can't wait another six weeks with no other information. I ovulate really late so my menstrual dates date me about two weeks later than I actually am - I'll feel a lot better seeing it in an official way based on a scan. Then I'll fill out the maternity forms for the hospital I want to attend.
We make the appointment for a week later and decide to go back to the same place as we did five years ago. It's €125 for an early scan and the place is gorgeous (in Blackrock). Once the appointment is made, I start to get excited. It's as though I am excited about finally being able to be excited if that even makes sense.
Having real dates will give me something tangible to work towards and plan for. It'll be great to actually see a heartbeat and feel like this is a real baby and not just a practical joke or a dream. It feels invisible now because I have no real symptoms.
And then the worry starts to set in again. What if something is wrong? What if it's twins? A whole week of this ahead of me. I think I'll go stick on another wash…