Dear Diary
I'm standing in the bathroom trying to think of something productive I can do for about three minutes. If I just sit and wait, it will feel like the longest three minutes in the history of the world. It's not the first test I've taken this week, so you would think the nerves would have subsided by now, but this is a strange situation.
You see, the first test I took was negative but I have this niggling feeling that it was wrong. I've had this funny taste in my mouth since yesterday and I suddenly feel breathless. I've also noticed that my breasts feel heavy. Not painful or tender - just heavy. Different almost. Call it a gut feeling but I just won't be able to put this to bed until I take another test or physically get my period.
I have a funny old cycle. Most of my friends would have regular 28-32 days cycles but my shortest cycle would be 37 days and they usually tend to be about 42-43 days every month. This was day 44 and I just had a funny feeling that the first test wasn't accurate.
Right now, it's just a whirlwind of possibilities and what-ifs.
I decided to stick a wash on. Carefully separating the lights from the darks, taking a moment to eye-roll at the massive yoghurt stain on my son's jumper from yesterday. He's our pride and joy that little man. He turned four a couple of months ago and we had just returned from a family holiday to the canaries a week ago. As I add the washing powder to the drawer and pick a setting, I suddenly find my heart racing once again.
"What if I am pregnant?"
"What will we do?"
"What if this is a bad idea? Are we even ready?"
"Will our son be OK? He has no idea"
A weird mix of anxiety, excitement and guilt sets in as I make my way to the bathroom. It's been three minutes now. Time to read the words on the screen. I imagine "not pregnant" and how I'll feel. I then imagine "pregnant" and try to imagine that too. The truth is I don't even know my own second name right now. I am literally quivering and can feel cool air on my face as though I'm feeling a bit faint or something. What is wrong with me?
I turn the light on. Slowly. At the same time, I look around the bathroom to see if there's anything I can pick up or do in the seconds before I pick up the test to have a look. Just anything to delay it another few moments. Anything to delay reality. Right now, it's just a whirlwind of possibilities and what-ifs.
I pick up the test, prepare myself for the words "not" and I could swear for a second I almost see them. I open my eyes wider and bring the test closer to my face (I don't have bad eye-sight but I'm feeling a bit delirious at this stage).
Pregnant 2-3 weeks. I'm sorry, WHAT? I think I actually muttered the words "are you sure?" to the test, somehow expecting an answer. I was on my own in the house and could do nothing but pace around. I walked from room to room stopping every couple of seconds to read it again. Pregnant 2-3 weeks. PREGNANT. Pregnant with a BABY.
I can't process my emotions so I decide to do something. Anything. I start making a sandwich that I don't want to eat because it's 11am and I've not long finished my breakfast. In truth, I don't know what I'm doing at all and the next hour is a bit of a blur.
I feel like I've got this dirty little secret. There's nothing dirty about it, but it feels that way because it's so huge and yet only I know. I think about my husband who will be having his morning meeting right now. He's probably thinking about what to have for lunch and here I am planning how to tell him that we've only gone and PROCREATED.
My heart starts to race again. I can't tell him over the phone or via text so I prepare myself for a very long day of waiting. The doorbell rings and I physically jerk with the fright. It's the postman and as he asks me how I am I almost want to reply "why would you ask something so personal?" It's like he knows. Oh My God maybe he does know - did he see me pacing around? Hardly?
I get in the car and drive. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I return with a baby grow from Penneys. As I read the words "born in 2019" it hits me - the feeling of magic. There is a baby in my tummy. Well right now it resembles a seed but that's how our son started too. A baby. A child. A person.
As I drive to collect my son from play-school the whole world looks different. I feel hyper-aware of everything around me. Nothing is as it seemed this morning. The trees are greener, the air is colder and there is so much more to take in.
He runs into my arms as they open the school gate, just like he always does. As he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves I breathe him in a little deeper than normal. Ah, there it is. That weird concoction of excitement and guilt. I'm about to shake up his entire world and he has absolutely no idea.
Until next time.
