Why I kept my miscarriage a secret till now.
A lot of people say there is a stigma regarding miscarriage and I am not entirely sure that is true however I know women (in a lot of cases) hide their miscarriage.
Everything should have being fine with my pregnancy on paper I was a healthy 23 year old woman and was taking my folic acid after deciding to try for a baby in the new year of 2007. I had a daughter (4) already and never had a moment’s trouble carrying her, so not for a second did I think anything could go wrong. How mistaken I was as while working away I felt a gush and went to the loo feeling a bit sore in the tummy area, it was only when I looked down that I noticed what was wrong. I called my Husband (who was at work) and we agreed to get an ambulance as he was in Dublin, I then called my Mam who knew I was expecting. In fairness to my Mammy she ran down to my work place and sat with me trying to keep me calm, the ambulance arrived and she jumped in beside me and held my hand. I always remember the paramedic saying that it was ok and that the baby would be fine though I knew I had left my baby in the toilet and I knew my angel (junior) was gone.
Of course I sat with my legs closed willing him or her to stay in but it didn’t work, and I couldn’t believe it was happening. The Doctors were lovely and once they had confirmed my miscarriage gave me lots of advice and how to look to the future of having another baby once I had recovered. To say I was devastated would be an understatement, I came home and cuddled up wanting to roar crying though I couldn’t get it out. My daughter didn’t know what was wrong but she cuddled me all the same and having her certainly helped me to keep going. One of my best pals found out through my husband’s work and she was there for me and gave me a shoulder to lean on.
It was a struggle acting like everything was fine when inside I was breaking up, feeling torn apart and I just wanted my baby back. I tried to pick myself up and went back to work, and began to return to normal as it was all I could do. Weeks later after my miscarriage my cousin rang and told me my Auntie was expecting a baby in December and while I was thrilled for her I was sad that my little bundle was gone and wouldn’t arrive in November as we thought and we wouldn’t have another baby on Christmas Day.
However a couple of weeks after that I realised I felt very sick and was feeling off colour and after doing a pregnancy test it was positive- I was pregnant! Delighted of course but absolutely terrified at the same time, asking would it happen again and how could I make sure it didn’t happen. Sure enough a couple of days later I was bleeding and while rushing in the car with my husband I told him that if we lost this little one that that was it as I couldn’t go through losing another baby. Thankfully all was ok but we did have a few scares in my pregnancy (one of the reasons why I’d never have another child) but she was born safely in January 2008 perfect as she could ever be.
I never told anyone really though over the last couple of years I have mentioned it to a few people, it was too raw at first even now it hurts me. I have two beautiful kids, but I wonder about my other baby junior, I felt like it was a boy and he would have loved to have played football with his Daddy. The wound is there as it never leaves you, I know his due date and the date I lost him, I remember carrying him and how he made me feel. I pleaded and willed myself to keep him inside me but it wasn’t to be.
Life moves on, the pain subsides (though it reminds you of your love for your lost baba) and you smile and laugh again. It can take weeks, months and even years, for me I still cry (alone) about the nipper I lost though I am grateful for my girls but having them doesn’t mean I can forget about junior as I won’t -not ever.
To all the parents who have lost a baby xxx
Written by Emma, Irish mummy blogger and staff writer at www.familyfriendlyhq.ie