Kids: Your Mum Used to Be Cool You Know!

I used to party and curse like a motherf*ck*r!

I was having a cup of coffee this morning while watching the boys play and it occurred to me that ... the "mammy" version of my persona will be the only one my children will ever really know. You know the version- the one that complains that the music is too loud, falls asleep before the end of a movie, goes upstairs only to forget entirely what she went up for… You know her. She’s me!
It got me thinking that, for a brief moment, it would be great for the kids to know the carefree, not so tired or confused pre-mammy me! The cool version of me!
I then remembered that there are some things that can never be unseen – so I decided to blog about it and allow the therapeutic benefit of my writing satisfy this itch! So, kids (who will never read this) here are a few things about me I wish I could tell you- that have all gone down the drain together with my vertigo stilettos and my ability to sleep until noon!
I used to curse like a mother f***er!
Now, if I even hear so much as an ‘oh my God’ out of your mouths – I flip the lid! One of you recently said “For feck sake” and you were sent to your room (although your use of it was mildly appropriate!) I must confess that before you picked up on every word I uttered, I cursed – a lot! And I don’t mean little curses. I mean big ones! I called strangers a**holes, greeted my friends with “Hey Bitc*es!”, hurdled abuse at other drivers on the road with several profanities that would turn the air blue and ‘f*ck'  was pretty much the most used adjective in my vocabulary.
Since you little guys have come along, all of (ok most of) this has stopped and on the odd occasion I do let one slip, it feels strange. Golly gosh! You little men are 3 and 7 so when you let one slip I have to make that face and tell you it's inappropriate. So, ok- go ahead and call me a phoney. Actually please don't, you should never name call!
I was GREAT at partying!
Some day (in the ‘very’ distant future) I’m going to be waiting up to pounce on you as you sneak in the door stinking of beer. I’m never going to be one of those liberal mums who let’s their 16 year old drink a few cans – so long as it’s in the family home. Never!
When the time comes and you call me the Fun Prevention Officer, just know that that wasn't always me! I was a p-a-r-t-y girl! I smoked, I drank, I ate garlic cheesy chips in Abrakebabra at 4am. I got thrown out of a few pubs, danced on many a table and had the karaoke mic taken from me on many a night!  (Susan, Dee and Lou – you were all there too!) I even woke up one morning with a road sign at the end of my bed. You’re grandma was witness!
I look back and feel so grateful that nothing really, really bad happened! Bad things can happen. I’ve seen them, so kids please understand it when I do go nuts if/when you stagger in past midnight.
I wasn’t always a nag!
Eat your greens! Go faster! Into bed NOW! I wasn’t always a Sergeant Major!
In my pre mama years I could happily eat Rice Krispies and toast three times a day, stay in my pyjamas and surf the sofa, and stay up all night watching some garbage on the TV.
Back then I had nothing to do and all day to do it! But not now. Now I have the job of moulding you two into fine upstanding members of the community. Future leaders, future Dads and husbands (perhaps). That’s a big task! That’s why your mam’s such a pain in the ass so much. And under it all I still crave to watch Dirty Dancing, Pretty Woman and When Harry Met Sally all back to back until 3am, while sipping on something pink with booze in it, with an umberella and in a fancy glass!
I am up for negotiation though. So how about I let you eat Coco Pops for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you let mammy sleep past noon – OK?
You were always my end game!
Since I had my first dolly in a pram I always wanted a family. I wanted you two crazy kids. Long before the all-nighters and the vodka shots I planned for you both. I dreamt of one day meeting the man of my dreams (that’s your father kids by the way!) and having two kids and a back garden. The job was factored in at a later stage and thankfully now I have one that I love… but you two gorgeous loves of my life were always part of my master plan.
So, ok, you did change who I am as a person. But it was all for the greater good and you’ve made your old mam’s dreams come true. I still party sometimes, but oh how the hangover makes me regret it. I still let my hair down every now and again and pretend to be cool again.
So thanks you two! No regrets! I’d do it all again a million f'ing times over.
Love Mum x


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