'The Things My Five-Year-Old Says'

Below are just a few of his pearls of ‘wisdom’ or smartarsedness, whichever you prefer!

I am not a novice when it comes to five-year-olds. Having had two five-year-olds before my current five-year-old -  you would imagine I have heard it all.
I would have imagined I had heard it all too until my youngest came along.

He is without a doubt the funniest five-year-old I have ever encountered. He can also be wild, cheeky and rude but, hey, funny is a great trait to have, eh?!

He is the kind of kid who really helps you grow a thicker skin; he can insult you and make you laugh all in the same sentence.

Below are just a few of his pearls of ‘wisdom’ or smartarsedness, whichever you prefer!

1. ‘Half-Smart’

“Mammy, do you realise that metal is born, I mean proper born?”

“D, I am not sure that’s right”

“Oh yeah, well explain the Silver Surfer then... ummh ummh. I had no clue how the Silver Surfer came to be but I was given very little time to figure that out... See, you can’t! That’s OK Mammy, it’s because you’re half smart and sure you can’t help it”

“Hey. What’s half-smart? Are you being mean to me?”

“Ah no mammy, not at all..” he kissed my forehead then added, “I can't explain half-smart, if you were full-smart like me, you’d understand”
2. ‘Respite’ (my eldest son attends a respite service)

“Mammy when is Ethan's next respite?”


“I am just making plans to relax and need to know” - he has his notepad and pen.

“I don’t know yet as we didn’t get the dates. What ya planning?”

“To relax, ya know. It’s hard work, a bitta respite is great for me and you too - you could use the break”

“Oh, I didn’t realise you work so hard when Ethan is home” I teased.

“Of course I do! Do you think I call you to open stuff or pour stuff for me? No, I don’t I do it myself and get J (his older brother) to tidy up after me,” he protested.

3. ‘Broken leg’
The background to this story is that my middle guy broke his ankle late last year and I guess the little guy felt left out?!

“Oh holy moly, I think I have broken my leg a little bit Mammy” he limped towards me.

“Really? I don’t think you did. Let’s have a look”

“Why don’t you trust me? I have broken it a bit”

“I do trust you, but I am not sure your leg can be a bit broken”

“Oh, how do you know for sure? You’re not my leg and you’re not my brain sending the messages” he limped off on the other leg…
4. JC

“All hail JC”
I giggled …”Is that not Aquaman D?”

“It was Mammy but now he has transformed for he has been reborned as the powerful, mightilyfull JC...so if you want to play ‘Avengers’ you’ve to call him JC, OK?”

“JC?” I had a fair idea what it stood for but I wanted to be sure and laugh (to be honest).

He rolled his eyes “Jesus Christ, Mammy, obviously. Try to be full-smart, it’s much better for when we are playing”

I did point out that he was being rude and using the Lord's name in vain wasn’t ideal.

“Sorry, Mammy. I wouldn’t have had to say JC’s real name if you didn't ask me to, so it’s sorta your own fault.”

5. Spreading Boldness

“D! D, don’t do that. No!” He was about to draw on our white dog.

“Oh sorry, Mammy, I thought she would like to look different”

“No D, you can’t draw on the dog. You have plenty of paper to draw on”

“Sorry, Mammy”

I had to leave to hang up our coats and when I returned the windowsill was freshly decorated.

“Did you do this?” I pointed to the windowsill.

“No! It was the marker that made the mark. I was just holding it, I promise.”

He heard me retell this story over the phone to a family member. After I hung up, he had something to say -“Don’t be spreading my boldness please, Mammy, don’t!”

This is now a thing in our house when he is being naughty; we ask if we should ‘spread his boldness’ and he immediately begs us not to as it is “barrassing” according to the culprit.

6. Mess

“D! Tidy that up I said”

“Ah Mammy, it is tidy”

“It is not!”

“It is, you just don’t understand my way of tidying is all, one day you will though”
7. Lego

“D, don’t give those legos to Ethan, they are too small”

“It’s fine, Mammy, I’m beside him”

“No D, give him Duplo lego only”

Swapping the small lego for the big lego he states, “Mammy, I know Ethan all MY life, you don’t know him all of your life so maybe I should know which lego is best too”

8. MOM

After having his lego taken away he began to sing -“I’m angry at mmmm oooh mmmmm...I might not like mmmm oooh mmmm right now”  

I pretended to get upset.

Softly he asked: “Mammy do you know what spells mmm oooh mmm?”

I nodded.

“Aww see, Mammy, you are getting almost full-smart. I’m sorry, Mammy, I just need to vint” (he means vent)

9. Reeses (the peanut butter cups)

“Mammy, please buy me them too please”

We were just finishing up paying at the till with a queue forming behind us.

“D, I told you to pick one thing. You chose a kinder egg and I have paid for it so it’s too late now. Next time you can pick them”

“But Mammy they have so many more receists than I have ever seen”
I was about to correct him when he loudly protested “You and daddy love receists too, so come on let me have the love for them too”

He was trying to find the plural for Reeses but got a bit confused…

10. And finally, for now, I give you the Poo Fart part. 2

“Mammy, do you remember the poo fart?”

I looked at him and remembered instantly how genuinely surprised I was the first time he explained this to me - he had demanded a high five the first time he had a ‘poo fart’.

“Remember it’s the fart before the big poo mammy! And I’ve just done one.” He stared at me while the waves crash against the rocky seashore…

Yes indeed, he keeps me laughing, pulling out my hair and wondering if he has before but he is so worth it and I know, more than most, how lucky I am to have an average cheeky five-year-old boy just like him!

Written by Ger Renton, who keeps us up to date on her crazy family life with Ethan and co. Follow her on Facebook at "It’s me and Ethan" and check out her amazing blog at geraldinerenton.com.

Ger Renton

Mammy, Wife, Writer, all round fixer of bruised knees, broken toys...always looks for the smile even through the tears!

Read more by Ger
{{ post.excerpt }}
{{ post.content.formatted }}

What is Family Friendly HQ?

Family Friendly HQ is Ireland’s trusted parenting community, dedicated to mums and dads, and families of all shapes and sizes.

Read more about us