An open letter to my child's teacher: one mum opens up

This mum has written to her child's new teacher on her first day of school

To my daughter’s teacher- there are things you should know!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know why you became a Teacher. If you are looking for money it isn’t the profession you should have chosen, as I can tell you it is more about personal accomplishment rather than money. I am here to tell you I have a wealth of knowledge about my daughter that I have acquired over my many years of being her Mammy. They are tips that will make you a nightmare for my child. If you pay attention now, you will be always one step ahead. She will not deceive you with her innocence, she will not trick you. However if you don’t take note she will mislead you, she will run you ragged and she will send you to early retirement!

Do not be fooled by her pleasant exterior and innocent looks, those blue eyes are able to manipulate a thousand people and her bright smile is enchanting though she always has something up her sleeve.

If she is quiet (and she rarely ever is) you should check on her as she is known to decorate anything and everything in her own unique way (using nail polish, pen or markers).
If she needs to go to the toilet she probably is just bored with the lesson and is going to sing away in the bathroom to her hearts content and will wash her hands furiously after though she didn’t actually use the loo.

When she says she is hungry it isn’t because I didn’t give her a school lunch it is because she hasn’t eaten it and is wondering if she can bung a tasty bar off you or her mates-don’t be fooled. If she tells you she hasn’t eaten breakfast don’t fret because she did, in the past she had her Nana convinced I was starving her!

If she mentions being thirsty (as she usually is) you are better off letting her have a quick drink as otherwise she won’t do any work and will act like she is after spending days in the Sahara and is dehydrated to the point of death.

My little poppet can be brutally honest so don’t ask her anything too sensitive and remember she has a vivid imagination as she had her last teacher convinced we were moving to an apartment in the city and guess what? We weren’t!

When she gets the chance she will perform to the class like a seal in the aquarium and loves to get people laughing whatever it takes even if it means putting her crayons in her ears. Talking of body parts she loves her nose and she will put her tongue (as it is scarily long) in it especially if she has a runny nose as this saves her using a tissue and is environmentally friendly?!

She will inform you of how much money she earned each week as we bribe her to do her spellings as it is the only way she will learn them! As in her own words she did enough work at school and needs to rest, and God love her she is tired.

She thinks of herself as a princess but yet it there is a rotten smell it most definitely will be coming from her as she loves to fart and is as a hazardous as a furnace loaded with rubbish, be warned if you are anywhere in the area to avoid and save yourself from the stench.

It is her communion year and she is an absolute diva meaning she will go on and on about her outfit as she already knows what she is wearing. She likes priests and usually stops them for a chat whether he is busy or not, though sweetly they always stop to talk to her.

She will surprise you as she has done to us over and over, you will think she is taking no notice of anything in class but she will soak it all in and use the information in the future and ace her tests!

It may be a little early but she is writing her memoirs so be sure to impress her or you may get a rather negative review in her life story, and apparently she is going to be famous.

I wish you all the luck in the world,

Erin’s Mammy xxx

Emma Hayes

Emma Hayes is a busy mum to two girls aged 17 and 11 and is married to her childhood sweetheart.

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