What no woman wants to hear while in labour.

Take note: here are the things to avoid saying while in the presence of a woman in labour.

There are some incredibly stupid things people can say to you when you are in labour and at a time when you are more inclined to pounce at them for every silly comment.
It has to be said your birthing partner will take a considerable hit and if you are nearing the end of your labour take a look at this and let your partner read it too!
  • “You don’t look well”- Well hello dumbass I am in labour, there is a baby about to come out of me and do the maths on the size differences. It is beyond belief that something so big can come out of something so small and I know everything stretches but 'Oh my God' am I scared?
  • “I hope it’s a boy”- At this stage I could give birth to a baby monkey and I would be delighted as long as it is healthy, and takes the very fastest route out of me and into the world like asap!
  • “We may be here a good few hours yet”- I don’t want to hear how I will be in pain for hours yet and uncomfortable for ages before I can walk normally again. Just say it will be a while, I can handle a while but not hours please I am begging you!
  • “Maybe take a shower to relax”- Relax in the shower while in labour? Are you serious how can anyone have a nice wash in between contractions? Ok if you insist but I swear if this baby arrives mid hair wash I am suing you all!
  • “Your Mother wants to talk to you”- It could be the bleeding Pope and I wouldn’t want to have a little chat with them while holding in the need to scream out in pain. She will only be advising me on how to stay calm during this wondrous experience and I am calm, totally calm in fact probably the calmest I have ever been.CALM!
  • “If you have it after midnight I win twenty quid!”- Ah that’s great darling that you will earn a few quid in a bet, sure will I hold on and keep the little mite in till after midnight so you can win?! It really is no bother at all, sure this is a piece of cake dear…go back to point number one!
  • “There is a match on later I would love to see”- There is a load of soaps I would love to see, there are a hundred things I would love to be doing right now rather than laying here in labour. However we are in this together so forget it and suck it up, you got me into this so we are doing this together…
  • “Don’t push”- Ah here are you for real, the pressure is immense and I feel like I am going to burst and you guys are saying don’t push like it is easy to do! It isn’t and I will try my very hardest but s*&t happens! Literally!
  • "It looks like a war zone down there"- under no circumstances comment on a ladies va-jay-jay while she's in labour!
  • "I'm feeling your pain"- Really, as I kick you in the shins. Now do you feel it?
  • "You're too far gone for an epidural"- There's no other reaction other than tears and fear for this one if it was in your gameplan.
  • "Can I eat your dinner?"- Touch it and it will be the last thing you ever eat. If I can't have it- no one can!
Best of luck with your labour x

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