12 Tips For The Men On The Maternity Ward: Get Your Sh*t together!

We love this mum's honest advice for all the soon to be dad's out there...

To all the soon-to-be fathers out there:
  • First and foremost- Stay calm. When labour starts there’s no going back buddy. You’re about to witness your missus do something you are never going to forget, so buckle up kiddo. Panic Pete’s not welcome.
  • Humour IS welcome. Make her laugh. She may threaten to kill you stone dead, but inside she’s peeing her little pantaloons and appreciating how funny you are. She will laugh looking back at it. Nobody wants Father Stone sitting at their bedside while they pass a human. Make it funny. Have the lols. You may never be there again.
  • Gas and Air, yeah listen it’s for US. And BY GOD do we need it. So rein it in Mister, you’ll need to get a buzz elsewhere. You’re not at Creamfields.
  • NO, you don’t have time to “pop out for a quick smoke” mid pushing.
  • Take the photos. Mammy and baby asleep?? Lap it up and snap it up.
  • FORGET IMMEDIATELY about, you know, the labour pooh. In fact, don’t mention it at all ok. We know it happened. We know that you know it happened. Everyone in the room knows it happened so just stop using it as some sort of proof of love, “I watched you shi* on a table and I’m still around,” kinda thing. Erase from memory, pronto.
  • You bring food! You bring it. Day or night. You do not dare leave that hospital and return empty handed. Yes, sure, there’s some oul nosey parker calling around every two hours, asking inappropriate questions and firing hospital food onto the table at the end of our bed that we can’t even reach. But even if we could, I’m confident it’s not just me who isn’t really in the mood for a fish pie at midday.
  • When she sends you to get her clothes to wear home, be realistic. Arriving back with high wasted skinnys and a crop top is not the best idea. Don’t even DREAM of bringing in a G string. Would you rub a violin bow over gunshot wound? NO. In fact I’m fairly sure a faint alarm goes off in the security room when a G string enters the Maternity ward, just to make security aware there’s a clear maniac present. So be realistic. This perception of women floating out of the Maternity ward with a curly blow dry and a golden tan, complimented by a floral Laura Ashley summer dress & gladiator sandals is BS, my friend. We’re talking leggings here boys, we’re talking tracksuit bottoms, leggins, tshirts, vest tops, baggies… BAGGIES! Lord we might even stretch to jeggings if we’re a hero. But LOOSE is the keyword here.
  • Christ, when I left the maternity I wore a long coat to hide the fact I couldn’t pull my trackies up over my arse and I had what can only be compared to a memory foam mattress in my pants. So, I really wasn’t bothered about looking like Marcia Brady. I was just focusing on getting into the car without my arse busting open. That was goals for me.
  • You better compliment those baggies. WE KNOW we’re dressed like we’re preparing to paint our living room ceilings, but all the same, if you could just dig it, that would be great thanks. A simple “Dayyyym girl, you rockin that Fruit of the Loom Tee.” would be sufficient.
  • DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT keep mentioning how tired you are. You’re not the hero here. If there’s no awards being handed out to us, there sure as hell isn’t a trophy being engraved especially for you to congratulate you on your 22 hours of waiting! Just be grateful you’re going home with your genitals still intact.
  • Enjoy it. Enjoy baby and enjoy the mother of your child. You will never get these first few weeks left. She may not admit it but your lady is at her most vulnerable. Probably the most vulnerable she’ll ever be. So be there. And she’ll be there for you.

Emma Hayes

Emma Hayes is a busy mum to two girls aged 17 and 11 and is married to her childhood sweetheart.

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