What should you do if your teen decides they want to get a tattoo?
- WHY does she want to RUIN her beautiful skin like this?
- Does she not KNOW that tattoos are forever?
- Why does she want to do something that EVERYONE knows is painful?
- Isn't it JUST a fad??
So I organised my thoughts on this one because this actually comes up a lot:
A little history of the psychology behind getting a tattoo:
We’ve been tattooing ourselves since the dawn of time. The Ice man’s body was tattooed - and that was over 5000 years ago! It's not 'new' by any means, despite the radio show host's protestations. Maybe it's cyclical - and we forget - like we mercifully forgot about batwing jumpers and then they came back too! (am a biassed batwing hater...)
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We have cultures all over the world who have striking and, by now, “traditional “ tattoos on their faces and bodies - and we seem to have many reasons for this down through the ages. I was thinking about these reasons while I heard that woman talking. It's not just us and it's not just now.
- Spiritual/religious
- To stand out
- To fit in
- To enhance attractiveness
- To demonstrate power or resistance to pain, even death
- To mark life stage transition or recovery from an event or trauma
* Is tattooing a form of self-harm? This was one of the questions put to me by a journalist recently. For some teens, perhaps boys in particular, the tattoo is a show of resilience and physical strength and yes, may even represent a form of self-harm in that the ritual is painful. But in my experience there is more to it than that - it is layered.
* For many it’s the ultimate exercise in control and control isn't necessarily a bad thing. To permanently decorate ones’ own body is a statement of defiance, celebration and durability. The clue as to the main motivator is often in the choice of image. A tattoo is to literally mark down the moment, defy the inevitable ageing process and ultimately, even death itself.
* For others it's about recovery from loss. I see young people choosing tattoos after experiencing a significant loss. It’s a meaningful and often very beautiful homage to the lost person or thing or way of life. It symbolises their not forgetting, and the willingness to always be reminded - a symbol of enduring love. This may be seen by some as a not letting go, a maladaptive response to grief. I understand that, but it’s not how I see it. I see it part of a process - for many, a therapeutic part. It's the ultimate act of Art Therapy, if you will.
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* Another healing function, again particularly among teens and early twenty-somethings, can be that tattoos effectively cover up self-harm scars. We all know that self-harm is on the rise. There are many scarred young bodies out there. And as they recover and emerge - many choose to decorate and cover up rather than simply cover with clothing or have the scars exposed.
* Teens and young people (and old people) often choose to tattoo post-surgery scar tissue as well. It's a lovely way to reframe an injury or medical intervention - post-cancer for example - that may well have been life-saving. So why not make it beautiful?
* The other hugely important function of the scar-covering tattoo is that it allows for questioning. The wearer knows that people will ask about tattoos - naturally. They then have a choice about how much of the story to tell. It’s another way of having a new and comforting sense of power and control - this time, over whom to share this information with. Having something hidden in plain sight can be a comfort, even a private smile to oneself. It’s a statement to oneself, and a conversation with oneself. And for the wearer, this might be a new, novel and comforting thing.
Incidentally - and just to say this isn't an advertising feature - I called into Love Hate in Cork having been prompted to do so by a client of mine who sports a new tattoo that is dripping with meaning and symbolism. They cordon off an area for self-harm cover tattoos and are very sensitive to the subject. I spoke to them about it and their policy, which is detailed and strict. And in fairness, they said they are not unique - that many shops are just as sensitive to these issues at the moment. Colour me impressed!!
So, if your child wants a tattoo - I would suggest that you don't panic.
- Think back to what motivated you if you have one (or indeed a whole tapestry!)
- Consider any recent upheavals in your child's life that might have triggered this - particularly losses.
- Are there new friends that your child might be desperately trying to blend in with?
- Are there old ex-friends that your child is desperately trying to disassociate from?
- Are they willing to wait for an agreed amount of time? (just to cover the possibility of good old fashioned teen impulsivity!)
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So here are my suggested answers for that distraught woman -
- She does not see it as ruination but as decoration. It's a different perspective. Granted, one with which you disagree.
- Yes, she knows it permanent which is probably one of the reasons she wants it.
- Either the pain is part of it, or for her, the pain is simply a part of the cost. And it seems it's worth it in her opinion.
- Yes, it is a current fad, the same could be said of what you and I are wearing right now! But "just" is a word that lands as dismissive - particularly on teenaged ears. The real question is "Why is this a fad in which my child feels the need to participate?" Bearing in mind that the motivations can be initially unconscious.
Then you can decide as a parent whether or not to allow your child to go ahead and er... make their mark.